Because I obviously know everything, I thought I would provide a little reality to their list. (Their stuff is in italics, mine will be next to it... if you can't figure this out you should probably get back on your medications... seriously Todd, we're all worried about you.)
Reveal how much your car cost. - Well that won't be a problem because ladies never ask after they see my ride can fly... if I flap my arms really quickly.
Clean your gun. - Well apparently this guide was written for either Charlton Heston or Stephen Jackson.
Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). - First I thought that said Polish, as in from Poland... that would have been way cooler. I happen to agree with this premise though, because girls never seem that impressed by my second place ribbon from my one meet on the swim team.
Refer to your mother as your best friend. - But I said she's just a friend (say Oedipal complex... I dare you.)
Rap. - This is ridiculous. Sometimes I walk past the brownstones busting my Wil Ming Ton flow and ladies be jumping out of windows just to talk to me. Either that or she fell. I hope she's ok.
Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. - Check her out of where? What if I work at a hotel? Should I not let her leave? I think that's a crime. There's nothing worse than kidnapping someone that looks that good in those pants.
Question our footwear. - See this sounds better than saying the truth. You have hideous feet.
Blow-dry your hair. - Would you prefer I be bald (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)
Tip less than 20 percent. - Oh just 20 percent? Why don't I tip 100%? Why don't I just give the guy cash and leave before placing my order? (Actually this one is probably reasonable... I'm just po'.)
Celebrity impressions. - Yea you say that now but wait till I bust out my Gilbert Godfried impersonation.
Impressions of us. - This sounds like gold to me. Isn't impersonation the greatest form of flattery? I don't know why in my version you have a french accent and a noticeable limp. (The limps probably because of your hideous feet.)
Forget to carry cash. - That's ok cause I just plan on knocking over a bank on the way to the bar.
Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. - How do you flop it?
Wii. - Clearly you've never played Big Brain Academy... Jerk.
Boot and rally. - Sounds like a classy date to me. I do know a guy who thinks if you puke in front of a girl and she doesn't run she's a keeper. In my opinion if she kisses you afterwards she probably has short term memory loss.
Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for. - But I hate that dog! It has shifty eyes. And seriously, who sees Bill Belichick while on a date other than his wife and his girlfriend... HEY OH!
Talk about former exploits. Ever. - Exploits? Who talks like that? So you're saying I shouldn't talk about that time that my best friends Brad Pitt, George Clooney and I went out on the town and then spent the night at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless. (Oh no name dropping either... I hate you.) I think Brad might have poisoned some of them, so in retrospect you guys might be right.
Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man. - Well there goes my entire vocabulary... Honestly though, if you want to date a guy who refers to a man as a tramp or a whore, he's probably hanging out with these guys.
Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!) -It's better than saying I'm going to punch you in the face. And what if we're telling you as a warning... not as a romantic gesture? Most guys want to give you the opportunity to back out, unless of course you're Sko. Then you should probably be in prison.
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