Esquire Magazine Thinks Men Are Dumb... And Like to Clean Their Guns on Dates

So tonight at work (cough.. I mean not at work?) I happened across the article "Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman" from Esquire magazine. (I don't know if this is for chicks or dudes, but it sounds classy.)

Because I obviously know everything, I thought I would provide a little reality to their list. (Their stuff is in italics, mine will be next to it... if you can't figure this out you should probably get back on your medications... seriously Todd, we're all worried about you.)

Reveal how much your car cost. - Well that won't be a problem because ladies never ask after they see my ride can fly... if I flap my arms really quickly.

Clean your gun. - Well apparently this guide was written for either Charlton Heston or Stephen Jackson.

Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). - First I thought that said Polish, as in from Poland... that would have been way cooler. I happen to agree with this premise though, because girls never seem that impressed by my second place ribbon from my one meet on the swim team.

Refer to your mother as your best friend. - But I said she's just a friend (say Oedipal complex... I dare you.)

Rap. - This is ridiculous. Sometimes I walk past the brownstones busting my Wil Ming Ton flow and ladies be jumping out of windows just to talk to me. Either that or she fell. I hope she's ok.

Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. - Check her out of where? What if I work at a hotel? Should I not let her leave? I think that's a crime. There's nothing worse than kidnapping someone that looks that good in those pants.

Question our footwear. - See this sounds better than saying the truth. You have hideous feet.

Blow-dry your hair. - Would you prefer I be bald (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)

Tip less than 20 percent. - Oh just 20 percent? Why don't I tip 100%? Why don't I just give the guy cash and leave before placing my order? (Actually this one is probably reasonable... I'm just po'.)

Celebrity impressions. - Yea you say that now but wait till I bust out my Gilbert Godfried impersonation.

Impressions of us. - This sounds like gold to me. Isn't impersonation the greatest form of flattery? I don't know why in my version you have a french accent and a noticeable limp. (The limps probably because of your hideous feet.)

Forget to carry cash. - That's ok cause I just plan on knocking over a bank on the way to the bar.

Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. - How do you flop it?

Wii. - Clearly you've never played Big Brain Academy... Jerk.

Boot and rally. - Sounds like a classy date to me. I do know a guy who thinks if you puke in front of a girl and she doesn't run she's a keeper. In my opinion if she kisses you afterwards she probably has short term memory loss.

Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for. - But I hate that dog! It has shifty eyes. And seriously, who sees Bill Belichick while on a date other than his wife and his girlfriend... HEY OH!

Talk about former exploits. Ever. - Exploits? Who talks like that? So you're saying I shouldn't talk about that time that my best friends Brad Pitt, George Clooney and I went out on the town and then spent the night at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless. (Oh no name dropping either... I hate you.) I think Brad might have poisoned some of them, so in retrospect you guys might be right.

Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man. - Well there goes my entire vocabulary... Honestly though, if you want to date a guy who refers to a man as a tramp or a whore, he's probably hanging out with these guys.



Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!) -It's better than saying I'm going to punch you in the face. And what if we're telling you as a warning... not as a romantic gesture? Most guys want to give you the opportunity to back out, unless of course you're Sko. Then you should probably be in prison.

Find the article here.

Be Kind and Give It A Chance

It’s almost three days later, and I didn’t take notes… so it must be movie review time.

You know that feeling when you read a book, poem, Sanskrit, etc. and think it’s stupid, until someone later tells you, “The trees represented death,” and then it suddenly hits you that the movie really wasn’t that bad, you just didn’t get it. (What? Usually you still think it was dumb? Yea, I feel ya. Usually I would feel the exact same way.)

Well for me Be Kind Rewind was exactly that kind of movie. Sitting with Timtim and Sko as the only thing that stopped them from booing was the extra effort that they weren’t willing to commit, I actually enjoyed the film. (You are both dead to me.)

First, there were many priceless pieces, including Jack Black careening into a metal fence (Timtim was asleep at this point, thus losing all ability to judge the film), or several parts in the “sweded” movies Mos Def and Jack Black create. (Sweding basically means they make cheap 20 minute knock offs of major films including Ghostbusters and Rush Hour 2.)

Second, the film had a great heart. I’m a sucker for a feel good situation, it’s part of me being a cynical optimistic (I guess that’s better when I once filled out an application explaining why I was a introverted extrovert.) You liked the characters in the movie, you felt for them. As they blundered through every day life you wanted them to win, unless you were Sko. I think he wanted them to die.

Third, Be Kind had a point that didn’t try to change the world. It wasn’t Blood Diamond making me feel guilty, or Crash which required me to rethink every relationship I’ve ever had with someone of a different race. (Sko you need to apologize to Ping Ping. You know what you did.)

The point was that movies don’t matter in the long run. Whether a film had great acting or a great script was irrelevant. All that mattered was what you took away from it. If you watched Scarface and decided to dedicate your life to stopping cocaine imports it probably means something different to you than it does to every single rapper and tough guy college frat member. (Scarface sucked... I mean I guess cause he had a lot of money and shouted out catch phrases people were duped, but there is more than that to life. Just ask the Dell Dude. He knows.)

A films place in your memory is exactly where it should be, and that memory is all that matters. (I liked Pick of Destiny… seriously.)

What was most tragic about Be Kind Rewind was that no one told me what it meant till I read about it later at home. And for that reason it was dumb. But go see it.



This is the director's "sweded" trailer.