Would Being Strangled By Someone Who Used Kiehls Feel Better? and Other Stories About Muggsy Bogues

Muggsy Bogues is brilliant. In case you didn't know (which you shouldn't unless you work for a certain non terrestrial radio provider) is the color commentator for the Memphis Grizzlies.

Muggsy is famous for being very short (when do I get my cred yo?) and for starring in such hit features as Eddie and Space Jam (I'm not mocking Space Jam... everyone knows it's the greatest alien/basketball animated film, but not the greatest animated film, for we all know that is Rock-A-Doodle or All Dogs Go to Heaven... CHAHHHHHHLLLLIIIIIIEEEE). (What just happened?)

The point is, color commentators are usually former players who were always placed in that "he is well spoken" category, which everyone knows is just a way for sports casters to say they're shocked a (black) athlete can talk in coherent sentences.

Muggsy though, is not only a grammatical genius (tonight he actually said "that be what they need.) he has a high pitched voice as you would stereotype a short guy to have. In fact, I have Muggsy pegged in for my Joe Pesci replacement for my athlete driven Goodfellas remake vehicle. (Probably gonna make Philip Rivers Spider... Stop taunting fans you jackass.)

I've loved Muggsy for a long time (and not in that creepy Full Metal Jacket way... pervert) I just don't necesarily think he's qualified to be on the radio... then again that's probably why he's on in Memphis... doing basketball... for a team that's not the Memphis Tigers (I'm also uncomfortable around John Calipari... I guess it has to do with the two different times I met John Chaney. (Once at NikeTown which seems normal... and once at Neiman Marcus in the Kiehls section... I understand John... your secret is safe with me.) I'm guessing when he tried to strangle Calipari, Chaney's hands were silky smooth... They always say death comes with relief.)

What's the point?

At what point do we stop with this garbage about players being good at this commentary stuff just because they played the sport? There are only a handful who seem to do any research, and most just compare current players to people they played against because their lazy and it's easy. (Bill Walton I swear I never know who the hell you're talking about... even when you're talking about current players... THROW IT DOWN BIG FELLA.)

Until the day this change is made, I think we need to replace all the masters of elocution with the worst communicators in sport. Replace Troy Aikman with Fridge Perry (I EAT YOU JOE BUCK) replace anyone with Mark Spitz (dhf;djkag;dfasjka- actual quote). Not only would people tune in, but it's great to watch any play-by-play guy struggle with an illiterate cohost ("No Mark, that says Touchdowns, not cheesecake. Are you on crack?)

Program directors take note: Cris Collingsworth = boring... Cris Collingsworth trying to talk with his mouth guard in = RATINGS GOLD... or maybe stuff his mouth with Cheez Doodles... just like Stephen A.