Smoke Your Hat and Other Thoughts on Fake Days

I’m gonna cut right to the quick today (Yea… that’s right… the Quick…) and get down to business.

Today is a very special day for many reasons, mainly because it is not a real day. Here’s how I know.

Because if I got married today, we wouldn’t have another anniversary for four years (yes fellas that’s right. Get hitched today, because then she can’t yell at you for forgetting your anniversary… I do have a feeling though that she will expect one awesome present when the big day finally rolls around again… maybe get her an island?)

If I shot somebody today, I could never be prosecuted. (What?) (Exactly.)

Last night I had a long conversation with OFLJ about this concept and here is what I decided… last night. Since three years out of four today doesn’t exist, it is clearly the one day in the year when our parallel universe meshes with our own. So, any crime committed while in this parallel universe is not prosecutable in ours. (I really hope this is true or else this post is going to look really dumb… too late.)

“But Chip,” you say, “if I killed someone today, they would still be dead tomorrow.”

“False, young Pedro,” I say to you, “basically when someone dies on Feb. 29 they just have to sit out the rest of the day. It’s a lot like Groundhog day, except Bill Murray is a lot dumber (seriously I don’t care how many times I watched the same Jeopardy episode, I don’t think I could memorize the answer to every question to the point where I could answer before the question is asked. Shenanigans I say.)”

Why also is today important, other than it not being real and being the way to a perfect marriage? It was the birthday of my old fifth grade math teacher. (Lame, Chip… don’t reference people we don’t care about.) (Quiet you.) -> (That’s an Office reference (Returning in April)) (Thanks NBC for the cash… you better pay me unlike those fools over at Applebees.) (Go to Chili’s… better food… more Mexican…ish)

This guy was kind of strange, and would later coach me in Varsity basketball (that’s actually not a joke… I was on the varsity basketball team… in the same way that Puerto Rico is part of the United States. I was there but I wasn’t invited to participate… ever.)

He would sit me during practice (not a joke either) and once was responsible for my favorite quote of all time. The conversation we actually had follows.

Poor Innocent Chip- Coach, I was wondering if there’s any chance I could play on the JV instead of sitting on the Varsity?


Nobody Beats The Wiz- You know, I hadn’t thought of that.



PIC- I just want to play, Coach, and live, and dream... (whistful music plays)



NBTW- Well let me put that in my hat and smoke it.



Assistant Coach Present at this Meeting- Don’t you mean pipe?



NBTW- Don’t question me, I know what I meant.


So there ya go. If ever you think today is real, shave your head (ladies.) Then see if your hair is not back tomorrow. (This is a good idea.)

If you want to know what the meeting looked like:



Enjoy your fake day, I know I will... just don't kill anybody... cause that's really not a good idea

The views Chip has expressed in this blog are not real, and should not be taken as real... Other than the fact that when he was a child he lived in an orphanage where all they served was gruel and people sang constantly. That's why he ended up the way he is today. Imagine how messed up Annie probably is these days... You didn't think Amy Winehouse was her real name did you?