Ghosts In The Dallas Area, Stay Away From Fruit

Yesterday I was ecstatic (I know, you can't see me getting all giddy and soft, like a teenage girl who just met that Hannah Bute Montana chick, but it happens... everyday... when you're not around) to learn that 'dem Boys might be looking to sign Pacman Jones.

I've always loved Pacman (yea, I'm gonna link to my old articles... leave me alone... why must you judge me? I'm no longer ecstatic,) not because he's been personally responsible for crippling another human being (cause that is really messed up) but because his status as a walking punchline has twisted his story straight out of reality.

He's been suspended from the NFL for the last year, but as far as I can see he has never been convicted of the major crimes of which he's been accused.

Imagine, if you will (cause you will, and you will like it) that someone shoves you in a bar, and then sues you for assault after you shatter your beer mug over his head in self defense (I mean the first one was self defense. When you went to the glass blower to have the mug rebuilt, then found him at another bar, well that was just revenge for when that dude stole your girl and gave you herpes.) Then, even though you haven't gone to trial, your employer (if you're reading this blog it's either Bear Sterns or McDonald's...) fires you.

Now, obviously that Pacman ain't a genius. He continues to go to strip clubs, even though he always gets in some sort of incident whenever he enters. (I also think this is blown out of proportion. Jones is from a culture that celebrates strip clubs, just like Pedro Martinez and cock fighting, Mike Vick and dog fighting and white people and St. Patrick's Day fighting.)

But, if our country is supposed to have some quirky Innocent Before Proven Guilty rule, (which by the way if that isn't seven movie titles I'd be disappointed (according to IMDB there was one TV show, and another that was inverted...witty writers)) shouldn't our constitution also be applied to jobs?

Well until it does I'm going on strike... from visiting outdoor urinals... NO MORE. (especially ones with video cameras.)

Let's Get Ready To Peck Each Other To Death... Lame

A lot has been made about Pedro Martinez being present at a cock fight in his home country, the Dominican Republic. Apparently, this is a problem because Americans don’t like seeing chickens killing other chickens violently. If Americans kill chickens violently it’s ok, but seeing other chickens do it just really freaks us out.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of chicken fights, but there are other animals I do enjoy watching attack each other with an unnatural hatred. Like…


Porcupines.

Sure, they look all furry and cuddly, but when these beasts from the east get angry you know you’re gonna see a flurry of deadly needles hurdling your way. It’s just science. (Porcupines can fire they quills upwards of 400 miles per hour. (Prove me wrong.))


Seals

This is just hilarious. Seal fighting is basically a slap fight, which reminds most people of a cat fight, and guys seem to go bonkers for cat fights. I hate cat fights because cats are strange animals that are all to willing to turn on their owners. One second you think Priscilla II is gonna take Garfield to task and all of the sudden that two bit feline is clawing your eyes out while Garfield gets away with my lasagna. Don’t need em, don’t trust em.

Lobsters

Have you ever seen a lobster fight another lobster? Ever wonder why kids are so mesmerized by those tanks at that chain restaurant with lobster in the name (I can’t mention the exact name because of my affiliation with Applebee’s. Have you tried one of their delicious burgers today? WHAT? ARE YOU A HEATHEN?)

Anyways, when lobsters are caged for too long they begin to turn on each other, and then it’s on. Of course they move insanely slow and their claws are rubber banded together so the fight resembles geriatrics going at it after they’ve had their fill of a good old fashioned Salisbury steak smoothie…. Mmmmmmm.

Gophers

Do gophers do anything that isn’t amazing? They sing, they dance and they dig holes, my three favorite pastimes. Imagine a scenario where you’re a gopher, digging a hole and suddenly some jackass rams right into you, underground, digging his own hole. I imagine this is similar to a human being cut off on the BQE, and gopher has got to step up. Get in his grill. Give him the paw (this is very offensive to gophers.)

On a more serious note, gopher on gopher violence is the number one killer of gophers that involves other gophers. The number one killer of gophers is actually rogue lawnmowers, but we are far from solving that epidemic. If you know a gopher on the edge, please stop him or her before things get out of hand. We don’t want to lose another Jon Peters character if at all possible. I’m Harold Ramis and I approve this message.