Let's Get Ready To Peck Each Other To Death... Lame

A lot has been made about Pedro Martinez being present at a cock fight in his home country, the Dominican Republic. Apparently, this is a problem because Americans don’t like seeing chickens killing other chickens violently. If Americans kill chickens violently it’s ok, but seeing other chickens do it just really freaks us out.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of chicken fights, but there are other animals I do enjoy watching attack each other with an unnatural hatred. Like…


Porcupines.

Sure, they look all furry and cuddly, but when these beasts from the east get angry you know you’re gonna see a flurry of deadly needles hurdling your way. It’s just science. (Porcupines can fire they quills upwards of 400 miles per hour. (Prove me wrong.))


Seals

This is just hilarious. Seal fighting is basically a slap fight, which reminds most people of a cat fight, and guys seem to go bonkers for cat fights. I hate cat fights because cats are strange animals that are all to willing to turn on their owners. One second you think Priscilla II is gonna take Garfield to task and all of the sudden that two bit feline is clawing your eyes out while Garfield gets away with my lasagna. Don’t need em, don’t trust em.

Lobsters

Have you ever seen a lobster fight another lobster? Ever wonder why kids are so mesmerized by those tanks at that chain restaurant with lobster in the name (I can’t mention the exact name because of my affiliation with Applebee’s. Have you tried one of their delicious burgers today? WHAT? ARE YOU A HEATHEN?)

Anyways, when lobsters are caged for too long they begin to turn on each other, and then it’s on. Of course they move insanely slow and their claws are rubber banded together so the fight resembles geriatrics going at it after they’ve had their fill of a good old fashioned Salisbury steak smoothie…. Mmmmmmm.

Gophers

Do gophers do anything that isn’t amazing? They sing, they dance and they dig holes, my three favorite pastimes. Imagine a scenario where you’re a gopher, digging a hole and suddenly some jackass rams right into you, underground, digging his own hole. I imagine this is similar to a human being cut off on the BQE, and gopher has got to step up. Get in his grill. Give him the paw (this is very offensive to gophers.)

On a more serious note, gopher on gopher violence is the number one killer of gophers that involves other gophers. The number one killer of gophers is actually rogue lawnmowers, but we are far from solving that epidemic. If you know a gopher on the edge, please stop him or her before things get out of hand. We don’t want to lose another Jon Peters character if at all possible. I’m Harold Ramis and I approve this message.